All who live are only dreaming.
What is this life? A frenzy, an illusion, a shadow, a delirium, a fiction. The greatest good's but little, and this life is a dream, and dreams are only dreams.
~from Life is a Dream, by Calderón
---------
More and more often I find myself dreaming in layers. I'll start falling asleep, and as I'm starting to get into the lull, I start dreaming. Usually these dreams take place exactly in the location where I'm sleeping, which is normally my room. And oftentimes, there will be people I know in the room with me, watching me as I "wake up" in my dream.
Last week such a dream occurred. I was napping. and I began dreaming that several people I knew were in my room with me as I started waking up. And I felt like I had a grasp of my conscience and dreams enough that I was able to tell them, "go away, I'm dreaming, you're not really here." And they left. I told myself to wake up, this is just me waking up inside my dream. But then I felt something pulling at my arms and legs, as if they were trying to lift me up off my bed. I freaked out. I felt like half my conscience was in my dream, struggling to throw off whatever was pulling me. And my other half was trying to wake up from this dream.
And finally, I did wake up.
Into yet another dream, where I hopped out of my bed and started texting, or was it IMing, a friend about how I have these crazy dreams. Where I keep thinking they're real, because of the location and relatively real chance that such events in these dreams could happen.
Except I suddenly woke up. And this time I was awake for real.
I looked at my clock. about 20 minutes had elapsed since I started falling asleep.
Which is strange because the day before I had napped and dreamed similarly to what I experienced today. And it took about 20 minutes as well before I finally woke up.
Along with these strange dreams, I experience varying degrees of vertigo. I'll feel as if the room is spinning, or I'll feel weightless, or I feel that I have a headache. All these things I feel either as I'm beginning to dream, or as I wake up, either into a new dream or in reality. I've had these dreams for some time now, since last spring semester.
I admit I'm just a tad bit worried. I'm not sure if something is wrong with me.
But at the same time, once I get past the craziness of the double dreams mimicking my reality, sometimes the dreams are quite nice. I find myself wishing I could just sleep and live in my dreams.
And I think these desires are what really scare me.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Question, Answer, Derp.
Got premed advising tomorrow.
And I feel like Dr. Advisor (not his name of course, but he is a doctor, and he is an advisor) is gonna ask me,
Why do you want to go to med school?
And of course I'll answer, smart-ass-ed-ly,
I want to be a doctor
And he, having talked to hundreds and hundreds of students and knows how to deal with these smart ass kids, will counter,
Ok, then why do you want to be a doctor?
And my answer will be,
...derp.
Because honestly, I'm not exactly sure why I want to be one. I mean, a good reason other than "It pays well," "I want to help / like helping others," "My parents/uncle/grandparents/entirefreakingfamily is/are doctor(s)." None of these reasons are particularly valid because:
1. With all these healthcare transmorphfigurations going around, who knows how doctors' salaries will be affected and stating this reason just sounds selfish
2. To enjoy helping others one doesn't need to become a doctor. Hell, join the peace corps, go work in an animal shelter or soup kitchen
3. Just because your family has 3 doctors and 2 dentists (with +1 doctor on the way, holla Brittney nuna) doesn't mean you have to go to med school as well.
But then these reasons are in fact why I'd to med school.
1. I'm scared I'll end up a broke, dirty hobo if I don't work in a career that pays well/I'm a spoiled little bitch who's gotten too comfortable living off his dad's income and now is afraid to do something that will pay less
3. Because a good deal of my family is compromised of shiny MDs, and how I've been partially brainwashed maybe most of my early life into going to med school, becoming a doctor is all I know to do
2. A year or so back I thought I enjoyed helping others. But then I realized maybe I wanted to help others so I can feel useful. Is that being selfish.
I think I fear that I won't have a purpose in my life. Lately I've been thinking lives have purposes. I'm not sure what, but there's got to be an overarching goal, a long term objective, right? Or what's the point. And I once thought I wanted to be a doctor because that's a way I could help people and make me feel satisfied with my life. But then there's the thing where well being a doctor isn't the only way to help others so that means the reason I'd really go into medicine is the money which still brings me right back to being a selfish little snot.
At the same time, I kinda feel being a doctor is something I could do. I'm not sure what else to say on that. It's just something I can see myself doing 10, 15, 20 years from now. Maybe.
Whoa. Shit 20 years is a long time from now. That's all the time I spent getting to my age at the present.
Anyways.
And it's not like I've had some ravaging, cruel disease tear my family apart and so it's become my sworn goal to be a doctor and kick said disease in the rear. Because nothing tragic like that has happened.
And then there's probably gonna be the question of
Well if you don't get into med school, what is your plan B?
And once again, I'll reply,
...derp?
What would I do. I guess I could either
1. Do what other kids do, find an intern/research job, volunteer more, stay busy, maybe retake the MCAT if my scores sucked major balls, and reapply next term or
2. Spit in life's face and say you know what whatever I'll become a gypsy and travel with a theatre troupe using my awesome theatre major skills guess med school wasn't meant to be kthxbai.
And also along the lines of being what I now call a Theatre PreMed major (as a response whenever I'm asked the question), I'm beginning to feel more confident in stating that and explaining my reasons. Maybe that's a good thing. Ooh, the tiniest glimmer of hope.
It's because I figure studying theatre (something I enjoy) will help maintain my sanity while I attempt to beat back the premed sciences (something I do not enjoy). But then I begin to worry well, if I don't enjoy science classes so much, then why do I want to be a doctor? Which is pretty much all science.
Well, then premed students only take these ridiculous classes to show they have a mastery over science and have what it takes to study to be a doctor. Right? Gulp. But then showing a mastery is something I definitely lack (coughfuckyouorganicchemcoughfuckyou.)
Maybe if I just murder the MCAT it'll somewhat redeem my failure in ochem (not a literal failing grade, of course. eep).
And I know not everyone has that epiphany moment, that one burst of nirvana where a sudden light bulb of enlightenment turns on and he realizes the exact reason why he wants to be a doctor, or what he wants to just do, for that matter. More likely alot of kids just work at it knowing it's what they want to do.
Maybe it's as simple as that. I just want to.
Or in the words of Cole from Scrubs,
"Why the hell not?"
-------Edit:--------
Well I didn't get asked either question after all. I guess he expects whoever comes in seeking advisement already has his reason for applying to med school. Fair enough.
And afterwards, I felt strangely more confident in what I'm doing. More so than I've felt since...I'm not sure. Maybe my grades were bearing down on my conscience. But Dr. Advisor seems rather reassuring about things like that. Hm. We'll see.
And I feel like Dr. Advisor (not his name of course, but he is a doctor, and he is an advisor) is gonna ask me,
Why do you want to go to med school?
And of course I'll answer, smart-ass-ed-ly,
I want to be a doctor
And he, having talked to hundreds and hundreds of students and knows how to deal with these smart ass kids, will counter,
Ok, then why do you want to be a doctor?
And my answer will be,
...derp.
Because honestly, I'm not exactly sure why I want to be one. I mean, a good reason other than "It pays well," "I want to help / like helping others," "My parents/uncle/grandparents/entirefreakingfamily is/are doctor(s)." None of these reasons are particularly valid because:
1. With all these healthcare transmorphfigurations going around, who knows how doctors' salaries will be affected and stating this reason just sounds selfish
2. To enjoy helping others one doesn't need to become a doctor. Hell, join the peace corps, go work in an animal shelter or soup kitchen
3. Just because your family has 3 doctors and 2 dentists (with +1 doctor on the way, holla Brittney nuna) doesn't mean you have to go to med school as well.
But then these reasons are in fact why I'd to med school.
1. I'm scared I'll end up a broke, dirty hobo if I don't work in a career that pays well/I'm a spoiled little bitch who's gotten too comfortable living off his dad's income and now is afraid to do something that will pay less
3. Because a good deal of my family is compromised of shiny MDs, and how I've been partially brainwashed maybe most of my early life into going to med school, becoming a doctor is all I know to do
2. A year or so back I thought I enjoyed helping others. But then I realized maybe I wanted to help others so I can feel useful. Is that being selfish.
I think I fear that I won't have a purpose in my life. Lately I've been thinking lives have purposes. I'm not sure what, but there's got to be an overarching goal, a long term objective, right? Or what's the point. And I once thought I wanted to be a doctor because that's a way I could help people and make me feel satisfied with my life. But then there's the thing where well being a doctor isn't the only way to help others so that means the reason I'd really go into medicine is the money which still brings me right back to being a selfish little snot.
At the same time, I kinda feel being a doctor is something I could do. I'm not sure what else to say on that. It's just something I can see myself doing 10, 15, 20 years from now. Maybe.
Whoa. Shit 20 years is a long time from now. That's all the time I spent getting to my age at the present.
Anyways.
And it's not like I've had some ravaging, cruel disease tear my family apart and so it's become my sworn goal to be a doctor and kick said disease in the rear. Because nothing tragic like that has happened.
And then there's probably gonna be the question of
Well if you don't get into med school, what is your plan B?
And once again, I'll reply,
...derp?
What would I do. I guess I could either
1. Do what other kids do, find an intern/research job, volunteer more, stay busy, maybe retake the MCAT if my scores sucked major balls, and reapply next term or
2. Spit in life's face and say you know what whatever I'll become a gypsy and travel with a theatre troupe using my awesome theatre major skills guess med school wasn't meant to be kthxbai.
And also along the lines of being what I now call a Theatre PreMed major (as a response whenever I'm asked the question), I'm beginning to feel more confident in stating that and explaining my reasons. Maybe that's a good thing. Ooh, the tiniest glimmer of hope.
It's because I figure studying theatre (something I enjoy) will help maintain my sanity while I attempt to beat back the premed sciences (something I do not enjoy). But then I begin to worry well, if I don't enjoy science classes so much, then why do I want to be a doctor? Which is pretty much all science.
Well, then premed students only take these ridiculous classes to show they have a mastery over science and have what it takes to study to be a doctor. Right? Gulp. But then showing a mastery is something I definitely lack (coughfuckyouorganicchemcoughfuckyou.)
Maybe if I just murder the MCAT it'll somewhat redeem my failure in ochem (not a literal failing grade, of course. eep).
And I know not everyone has that epiphany moment, that one burst of nirvana where a sudden light bulb of enlightenment turns on and he realizes the exact reason why he wants to be a doctor, or what he wants to just do, for that matter. More likely alot of kids just work at it knowing it's what they want to do.
Maybe it's as simple as that. I just want to.
Or in the words of Cole from Scrubs,
"Why the hell not?"
-------Edit:--------
Well I didn't get asked either question after all. I guess he expects whoever comes in seeking advisement already has his reason for applying to med school. Fair enough.
And afterwards, I felt strangely more confident in what I'm doing. More so than I've felt since...I'm not sure. Maybe my grades were bearing down on my conscience. But Dr. Advisor seems rather reassuring about things like that. Hm. We'll see.
The Importance of Being Earnest
Read The Importance of Being Earnest for a class I'm taking. I remember liking this play when I had to read it in high school. Upon reading it again at this time, I've found I've picked up more quotes from this play. Some of them rather cheeky. Others somewhat satirical. Jolly good, Mr. Wilde. Below I've simply copied down some of the lines/quotes that stood out to me or that I liked.
Act I:
ALGERNON: I really don't see anything romantic about proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. but there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. one usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
~61-65
ALGERNON: Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right...It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place.
~82-86
JACK: My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. it is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression.
ALGERNON: Well, that is exactly what dentists always do.
~149-151
ALGERNON: All women become like heir mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
~529-530
ALGERNON: The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else, if she is plain.
~546-547
JACK: You never talk anything but nonsense.
ALGERNON: No one ever does.
~639-640
Act II
MISS PRISM: No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.
CHASUBLE: And often, I've been told, not even to her.
~181-182
ALGERNON: You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. no one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that.
~765-767
Act III
LADY BRACKNELL: To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which i think is never advisable.
~180-183
LADY BRACKNELL: Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
~216-217
Act I:
ALGERNON: I really don't see anything romantic about proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. but there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. one usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
~61-65
ALGERNON: Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right...It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place.
~82-86
JACK: My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. it is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression.
ALGERNON: Well, that is exactly what dentists always do.
~149-151
ALGERNON: All women become like heir mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
~529-530
ALGERNON: The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else, if she is plain.
~546-547
JACK: You never talk anything but nonsense.
ALGERNON: No one ever does.
~639-640
Act II
MISS PRISM: No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.
CHASUBLE: And often, I've been told, not even to her.
~181-182
ALGERNON: You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. no one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that.
~765-767
Act III
GWENDOLEN: How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.
JACK: We are.
CECILY: They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.
~54-58
LADY BRACKNELL: To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which i think is never advisable.
~180-183
LADY BRACKNELL: Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
~216-217
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Shakespeare on drinking:
Drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things: nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes: it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance. Therefore much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery: it makes him, and it mars him; it sets him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him and disheartens him, makes him stand to and not stand to. In conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and giving him the lie, leaves him.
-from Macbeth, 2.3.21-30
Ah, this is so great.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
flight
mocked, said the mockingbird,
is what you feel, no?
flitting above my desk she flips
forward pages and reveals.
does it seem ironic?
asked she.
indeed it does,
said I.
cruelly so
that your month has
your color?
correct!
was the shrill.
I don't understand,
wailed I.
but she stood silently.
eyes, infinitely dark, stared.
said she,
no one does.
it's a tricky sticky subject,
this.
a sigh
as I opened the window to set her free.
but still she remains
perched on my desk
mocking me.
is what you feel, no?
flitting above my desk she flips
forward pages and reveals.
does it seem ironic?
asked she.
indeed it does,
said I.
cruelly so
that your month has
your color?
correct!
was the shrill.
I don't understand,
wailed I.
but she stood silently.
eyes, infinitely dark, stared.
said she,
no one does.
it's a tricky sticky subject,
this.
a sigh
as I opened the window to set her free.
but still she remains
perched on my desk
mocking me.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Fall.
1. Halloween all but lost its significance on me. Honestly this year I kept forgetting October 31 meant costumes, scary movies on tv, and candy if it weren't for the constant reminders that were decorations I see in peoples' yards, ads on tv and the radio, and of course the freezing college girls in their not-so-weather-smart-"costumes."
Oh didn't anyone tell you? This is a costume party.
"Hey what are you supposed to be?"
"Oh I'm a sexy cat--"
"WHORE."
"A policewoma--"
"WHORE."
"A cowgir--"
"WHORE."
"A lib--"
"WHORE."
Pretty much sums it up. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the right girl with the right body type in the right "costume" that would be pretty hot, but there's a difference between "hot," and "attractive." Another rant for another time.
Although I did enjoy seeing different costumes at
2. the Weezer concert. My god this concert was amazing. So much fun. It didn't occur to me that you could dress up since it was the night before halloween or whatever, but it was fun watching people come in wearing different costumes.
But good god, I don't think I've had this much fun at any sort of public event so far. Rivers Cuomo jumped off the stage and ran around the amphitheater two different times as they were doing songs. People started getting out of their seats and swarming the poor guy. I know we sure did. It was freezing, but we warmed up soon enough from the all the jumping, dancing, screaming/yelling we did. Good bonding times with the sibs, yup yup. If they ever come back, I'm definitely going.
3. So that was the highlight of my break. The rest of my time was spent sleeping and playing Reach. It's sad that I can never get work done when I'm home.
4. And as I was driving back, I couldn't help but notice in front of me the sky was dark, it was night time where I was headed and I looked in my rearview mirror and saw it was still light behind me, the sun just setting in the distance and I couldn't help but get an eerie, cold feeling that this process of me leaving the light and going into the dark was a like metaphor, or foreshadowing for something to happen.
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