Question, Answer, Derp.

Got premed advising tomorrow.

And I feel like Dr. Advisor (not his name of course, but he is a doctor, and he is an advisor) is gonna ask me,

Why do you want to go to med school? 

And of course I'll answer, smart-ass-ed-ly,

I want to be a doctor

And he, having talked to hundreds and hundreds of students and knows how to deal with these smart ass kids, will counter,

Ok, then why do you want to be a doctor? 

And my answer will be,

...derp. 


Because honestly, I'm not exactly sure why I want to be one. I mean, a good reason other than "It pays well," "I want to help / like helping others," "My parents/uncle/grandparents/entirefreakingfamily is/are doctor(s)." None of these reasons are particularly valid because:
1. With all these healthcare transmorphfigurations going around, who knows how doctors' salaries will be affected and stating this reason just sounds selfish
2. To enjoy helping others one doesn't need to become a doctor. Hell, join the peace corps, go work in an animal shelter or soup kitchen
3. Just because your family has 3 doctors and 2 dentists (with +1 doctor on the way, holla Brittney nuna) doesn't mean you have to go to med school as well.

But then these reasons are in fact why I'd to med school.
1. I'm scared I'll end up a broke, dirty hobo if I don't work in a career that pays well/I'm a spoiled little bitch who's gotten too comfortable living off his dad's income and now is afraid to do something that will pay less
3. Because a good deal of my family is compromised of shiny MDs, and how I've been partially brainwashed maybe most of my early life into going to med school, becoming a doctor is all I know to do
2. A year or so back I thought I enjoyed helping others. But then I realized maybe I wanted to help others so I can feel useful. Is that being selfish.

I think I fear that I won't have a purpose in my life. Lately I've been thinking lives have purposes. I'm not sure what, but there's got to be an overarching goal, a long term objective, right? Or what's the point. And I once thought I wanted to be a doctor because that's a way I could help people and make me feel satisfied with my life. But then there's the thing where well being a doctor isn't the only way to help others so that means the reason I'd really go into medicine is the money which still brings me right back to being a selfish little snot.

At the same time, I kinda feel being a doctor is something I could do. I'm not sure what else to say on that. It's just something I can see myself doing 10, 15, 20 years from now. Maybe.

Whoa. Shit 20 years is a long time from now. That's all the time I spent getting to my age at the present.

Anyways.

And it's not like I've had some ravaging, cruel disease tear my family apart and so it's become my sworn goal to be a doctor and kick said disease in the rear. Because nothing tragic like that has happened.

And then there's probably gonna be the question of

Well if you don't get into med school, what is your plan B?

And once again, I'll reply,

...derp?


What would I do. I guess I could either
1. Do what other kids do, find an intern/research job, volunteer more, stay busy, maybe retake the MCAT if my scores sucked major balls, and reapply next term or
2. Spit in life's face and say you know what whatever I'll become a gypsy and travel with a theatre troupe using my awesome theatre major skills guess med school wasn't meant to be kthxbai.

And also along the lines of being what I now call a Theatre PreMed major (as a response whenever I'm asked the question), I'm beginning to feel more confident in stating that and explaining my reasons. Maybe that's a good thing. Ooh, the tiniest glimmer of hope.

It's because I figure studying theatre (something I enjoy) will help maintain my sanity while I attempt to beat back the premed sciences (something I do not enjoy). But then I begin to worry well, if I don't enjoy science classes so much, then why do I want to be a doctor? Which is pretty much all science.

Well, then premed students only take these ridiculous classes to show they have a mastery over science and have what it takes to study to be a doctor. Right? Gulp. But then showing a mastery is something I definitely lack (coughfuckyouorganicchemcoughfuckyou.)

Maybe if I just murder the MCAT it'll somewhat redeem my failure in ochem (not a literal failing grade, of course. eep).

And I know not everyone has that epiphany moment, that one burst of nirvana where a sudden light bulb of enlightenment turns on and he realizes the exact reason why he wants to be a doctor, or what he wants to just do, for that matter. More likely alot of kids just work at it knowing it's what they want to do.

Maybe it's as simple as that. I just want to.

Or in the words of Cole from Scrubs, 

"Why the hell not?" 


-------Edit:--------
Well I didn't get asked either question after all. I guess he expects whoever comes in seeking advisement already has his reason for applying to med school. Fair enough.

And afterwards, I felt strangely more confident in what I'm doing. More so than I've felt since...I'm not sure. Maybe my grades were bearing down on my conscience. But Dr. Advisor seems rather reassuring about things like that. Hm. We'll see.