Bitter-

I realized this is very well the last Christmas and New Year's we'll be spending in this house. It's kinda sad. Just about everything I remember about growing up happened while we lived here. I think I've been somewhat denying the fact that we have to leave eventually.

Voyaged to the mountain house. But knowing we'd be leaving that house as well is more tangible at the moment.

While there, I paced around the place and realized with musing interest that three different girls I've liked have walked through these halls and rooms: one I never admitted any affections to, one where I did so as a means just to get things off my chest from the year previous, and one where a relationship had actually been established (and was good while it lasted). Meh heh, interesting days...

Quite a good bit of snow still remained, probably somewhere between 3-5 inches. It was still soft but retained just the right amount of moisture, perfect for playing in. But I didn't have the desire to frolic in the snow and didn't join my siblings as they ventured around the property. 1) I was feeling too cold and 2) I just feel somewhat disenchanted (huh, that's something that seems to keep popping up consistently of late...) We're at the house to figure out what we're keeping/selling/getting rid of. I felt like I needed to help our mother organize this info. I just feel some sort of pressure these days to grow the fuck up and get with reality. I oddly still feel like some dumb kid, but it's high time I start assuming responsibilities. There's just so much to plan and do in the upcoming months. It's stressful. It's hectic. It feels unfair that our father had to do this.

I recalled all the times I spent sweating underneath the summer sun driving the tractor cutting the fields of grass, the cold, brisk winter evenings and nights spend with family and friends outside on the deck around the fire pit making smores. I remember that ridiculous year our entire family was there for Christmas and just about EVERYONE got a stomach flu and spent hours in front of a toilet at one point. That place was basically a quarantine.  I remember the first all nighter I had there Christmas morning when my brother was snoring too loudly so I couldn't sleep and decided to toast a bagel and watch Rent instead. All the times we spent on the lake boating and wakeboarding.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being fucking sentimental. Another ya-don't-know-what-you-appreciate-'till-it's-gone moment? I need to stop having those.